Soulmates Aren't Always Lovers
by ILikeToRhymeHerNameWithThings
Summary: TW eating disorder/cutting I don't need James blaming himself. I don't need Peter tiptoeing around me like I'm going to break. And I know Remus is trying to help, but when all he's doing is like talking about that self love bullshit around me. That's the only time he talks about it. I watch him, too. After that, he's back to his self deprecating humor. That's the shit I need, I ne


"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize." Sirius sighed and he sat down in front of Lily, who was curled up in a ball on the floor. "Please don't apologize." He pushed the hair out of her face and looked at her gently. "It's not your fault."

"But it is!" She said shrilly. "I did this! I did this to myself!" she cried. "I pushed you away and James and Rem and Pete and it's all my fault!" she pulled her legs closer to her chest and Sirius couldn't help but notice how small she had gotten and it broke his heart. "I did this, Pads. This is all me and I only have myself to blame and I don't even know why you're here. I deserve to be alone." She sounded so broken. Sirius pulled his hair in a bun before gently grabbing at her wrist to pull her up.

Lily cringed and pulled her wrist back. Sirius pulled it back very gently and pushed the sleeve of her sweater up. There were deep cuts all the way up to her elbow.

"Oh, Lils…" Lily looked away. "Why didn't you tell me it had gotten so bad?" he whispered.

"I didn't want to bother you anymore." She muttered, looking into the fire. "I had unloaded all of my problems on you, you didn't need anything else."

"But that's what I'm here for, Lily." Sirius whispered. "Remember?" he reached out for her hand. Lily took it, but didn't look at him. "Can I ask you something?"

"Mmm?"

"When was the last time you ate?" Sirius was a little scared to hear the answer because she just looked so weak. "Please don't lie to me like you do with James. I know you do it so you don't hurt him, but.. Lily, please be honest with me. I've never lied to you. We've been here for each other, healing each other's wounds, holding each other though the pain… Please, I'm begging you, Lily." His voice cracked. Tears were silently streaming down Lily's face and she nodded.

"I'm sorry." She whispered. Sirius shook his head.

"Please stop apologizing, Lily." He said. "Just answer my question."

"4 ½ days." Lily pulled at a loose string in her tights.

"What can I get you to eat that you won't throw up?" Sirius asked, standing up. Lily shrugged, he eyes welling up with tears.

"Do you want to try with some celery and maybe a little bit of peanut butter?" He pulled her up to her feet. She looked so frail.

"I don't know…" Lily looked nervous and starting wringing her hands. Sirius grabbed a sweater for her.

"How bout we go smoke a cigarette first and we can stop by the kitchens on the way back and if you feel like you can eat it, then you can eat it. If not, maybe nibble on it just a little? Think you'll be able to do that for me? Just a few bites of celery?" He helped Lily put the sweater on as she slipped on some slippers and grabbed a blanket. She bit her lip and nodded.

"Okay. I'll try." She looped her arm through his and they walked out of the common room.

"I love you, Lily." Sirius said gently.

"I know." She said softly. "I love you, too."

"I just want you to be happy." Lily didn't say anything to that and they walked in silence until they got outside. It was dark and cold and Lily shivered as they walked towards their tree. Sirius pulled out his pack and with a shaking hand, Lily lit her cigarette and took a long drag before speaking.

"I know you lot want me to get better. And for the most part, I want to get better, too. But I also know that I won't be happy till the number on the scale is 0. And there's a small part of me that doesn't want to get better. There's apart of me that doesn't even feel like I'm sick enough to have an eating disorder but I know what I'm doing to myself, and I know that I am, and I know that it's just my sick brain telling me that and I hate myself for that." She laughed bitterly. "I'm tired of this self destructive cycle, Sirius. I know I'm killing myself and honestly, I can't bring myself to care anymore. I've destroyed my body." She lifted up the sleeves of her sweaters and both arms were covered in deep cuts. He reached out and traced the older ones. "That's not all. They're everywhere, Pads."

"Where else?" Sirius whispered. Lily sighed and closed her eyes before pulling her taking one last drag off of her cigarette and motioning for Sirius to hold her blanket up while she lifted her sweater up.

Sirius couldn't help the loud gasp that escaped his mouth. Her ribs jutted out, her skin stretching tight over them. Lily avoided his gaze, but she wasn't showing him this to show him how thin she was. No, it was to show all the cuts—no, the _words_ she had carved into herself.

 _Fat. Disgusting. Bitch. Ugly. Cow._

Lily was trying to light another cigarette, but couldn't, because Sirius was pulling her to his lap and hugging her tighter than anyone's ever hugged her before.

"Lily." He sounded so heartbroken. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you." He whispered into her hair. "You're my soulmate. I'm supposed to know when you're hurting this bad. You could always tell with me…"

"You had a lot going on, Pads. It's okay. With Moony and stuff at home, you know, I'm—"

"Don't you dare say you're fine, cause you're not." Sirius's tone was a little harsher than he meant for it to be. He kissed Lily's forehead. "I'm sorry."

Lily got up and leaned against the tree, lighting her cigarette. "It's okay." She shrugged. "There's nothing you could've done, even if were there… you know? It didn't matter anyway. I was pushing you lot away anyway. I know I need you. I don't need James blaming himself. I don't need Peter tiptoeing around me like I'm going to break. And I know Remus is trying to help, but when all he's doing is like talking about that self love bullshit around me. That's the only time he talks about it. I watch him, too. After that, he's back to his self deprecating humor. That's the shit I need, I need normalcy. Like what you give me." She sighed. "Except for the hour or so." She dug around in her bag. "But I need this talk. Real talk."

"I can talk to them for you, Lils." Sirius offered. He watched her, her hair falling in front of her face, like a curtain. "But you've been avoiding everyone for so long… Even your own boyfriend. He thinks you don't love him anymore."

Lily pulled out a pink pipe and put it to her mouth. "Maybe if I smoke this, I'll be able to eat a little." She shrugged. She took a big hit and passed it over to Sirius. "I _do_ love him. I love him so much. I just don't him to see me like this right now, and I don't wanna ruin anything."

"Well, barely talking to him for a month could ruin things a bit, love." Sirius pointed out after taking a hit from the pipe.

"I know." Lily looked down. "Have i? Have I ruined everything between us?"

"No. James loves you more than life itself and he'd fucking go through hell and back and back again if he had to for you." Sirius smiled. "Let him." He put the pipe back in Lily's bag. "Are you ready to try to eat?"

"I think so."


End file.
